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I'm sitting at my work station at the end of a severe storm that there was nation-wide news about for the southern-southeastern USA...

This morning as the family and I were getting packed up to evacuate for the day, I listened to the weather report stream in details about several parishes in Louisiana that were under a Tornado Warning. One after the other was called in alphabetical order until the end of the report, and I knew that my state would be the very next location hit by those same storms.

I have a fear of bad weather in general, and severe thunderstorms do more than just tank my mood. I immediately enter a mode of worry and rumination of the worst-case scenarios. I've even been known to get angry and lash out at others when I'm feeling my most out-of-control and desperate. Today was no exception, and all I could do was try my best to hold it all together in an appearance of strength for the sake of our children.

We parents took extra measures that morning when it came to fully preparing the family to wait out the storm in relative comfort. We took more time during packing the supplies that we'd need for the day. There were device charging cords, batteries, bubbles for de-escalation with Caleb, Doritos for soothing Colette with her preferred snack, and even more interventions required for making the extended time spent with both children more bearable for us all.

At our safe location, I made it a habit to check the weather report on my tablet at the top of every hour while we were away. We were supposedly at risk of extreme weather until this evening, with possible quarter-sized hail, damaging winds, heavy rain, and tornados to pop up at any time. Too bad that I had already bitten down my fingernails too short the night before.

So we adults sat in mostly silence as we watched the children keep themselves entertained with toys and games, unaware of what was happening at the time. We sat, and we intended to wait out the worst of the storm together at our safe location.

We sat, and we waited... And we waited... And we waited some more as we watched the skies change from gray to white several times. Then there came a time when there were blue skies and bright sun peeking out from behind the clouds for a moment before it started lightly raining again.

A couple of hours later when it became apparent that the worst of the storm had passed over our area in the center of the state (and that it had left completely) we accepted the fact that we were not going to actually meet any severe weather today. We packed all of our things back up and left to return to all the comforts of home while it was still drizzling outside.

The weather during the drive home mirrored the level of my anxiety, which was waning. The storm had safely passed on towards the northeast, and the reality outdoors was calming back to a normal state. We arrived back home to a scene of all of our possessions remaining in tact, just like when we had left. I immediately felt a sense of full relief, even if a little let down due to all of the preparation made for the day.

Waiting out the anticipated storm is very much like the rumination and worry of worst-case scenarios in parenting an autistic child. I know personally that I tend to live in a state of constant vigilance in readiness for the figurative "storms" of life, some that may never come. And being in this heightened state of awareness for extended periods of time has surely impacted my mental health and identity in a negative way.

While safely on the other side of today's storm, I realize just how much of my energy is spent on preparing for hypothetical crises. And I’m sure that a relatively small portion of this has actually contributed to me being a better mother. The true toll of this hypervigilance is systemic and has affected my health, motivation, mindset, and wellbeing as a whole person beyond being just a caregiver.

I intentionally commit to no longer settling for this as my default mode. And I promise to show myself loving grace for the times when I fall short and then return to my commitment. To transform my life experience into an image reflecting my true inner magic and potential requires me to take some specific steps in order to disrupt my prior patterns. I already have some ideas:

Learn to trust in my resilience rather than fearing the worst-case scenarios of the next storm
Find ways to enjoy the present moment rather than constantly scanning for threats
Practical mindfulness techniques from my toolkit that help me stay grounded when my anxiety does rise

Do you yourself have your own strategies for being prepared without being consumed by worry?

Fair weather and warm regards to you,

Cheniece ♡

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